I’m finally finding myself sitting with another brief moment of time to write. Actually, this has taken me almost a year to complete as I sat in airplanes during two separate business trips, or found a moment to be able to collect my thoughts. I’m sorry for the long silence. I’ve been wanting to send an update for months but have not been able to find the time or the energy. Today, however, I’ve got a window and I want to finish this.
I’ve struggled with how to write about what life is like for us. For me, there’s not a day–or even an hour–that goes by without a reminder that I’m a widower. I’m sure it’s also the same for my children as they deal with the constant reminders that, although their mom is in Heaven, she’s not here with us. This weekend is particularly significant because Monday would have been Lee’s and my 18th wedding anniversary.
I realize that sounds pretty intense. I don’t want you to think that we’re living with a grey cloud hovering over our heads. There are those times, to be sure; like the phantom pains experienced by those who have lost limbs. But, there are also some very sweet, sweet times.
One of those times occurred shortly before I first began drafting this letter. It was June of last year and we had just arrived back home after spending an enjoyable few days visiting family in Minnesota. As we got to our van from the airport terminal Jack announced, “Guess what? Mom was with us on in Minnesota because she’s in Heaven with God, and God is everywhere.” His words started a flood of emotions–completely out of nowhere. It was tender, sweet and sad, all at the same time.
I was instantly transported back to a conversation Lee and I had when it was becoming clear that she was going to die. She was telling me that she was afraid Jack wasn’t going to remember her because he was so young. The heartbreak in her voice was tangible.
So, there I was trying to drive home with tears in my eyes because Jack had, once again, shown that she didn’t need to fear. He does remember. We all do.
Experiences filled with sorrow and sweetness–together at the same time–are a regular part of our lives. They explode on the scene with no warning. I call them “Grace Bombs”. When ignited, I instantly want to writhe out of my circumstances. Yet, in the midst of that struggle I feel myself being held closely in God’s strong embrace. It’s just weird to have such conflicting feelings and thoughts coinciding. Truly, it’s the peace that passes understanding.
Those of you who have been praying for us take note: Your prayers are being answered.
Maggie often drops similar “Grace Bombs”. One day the five of us were at the mall sitting at a table in the food court. She looked up at me and with a tenderness in her voice that breaks your heart, said, “Whenever we sit somewhere where there are six chairs, I remember that mom is in Heaven with Jesus instead of here with us.” Pow!
There’s just no preparation for something like that. It’s overwhelming to simultaneously experience both extremes of emotion’s continuum.
I know many of you may have thought we dropped off the face of the earth. We haven’t. Life as a single father with four busy children is nearly exhausting. Yet, by God’s grace, I have no regret. He’s kept me from yielding to self-pity and bitterness.
The school year is two-thirds complete. Rob, Ben, Maggie and Jack are thriving at Evangelical Christian Academy. You’ll recall that we were blessed with many wonderful financial gifts sent to the school to cover our tuition costs; so much that there was still enough in the special account to cover almost 75% of this year’s bill.
I was a little nervous about using it all to pay for this school year because that would mean I’d need to bear the full load next year. So, I asked the school if I could use half of the money this year and save the second half for next year. They were fine with that, to my relief. I now have until the 2009/2010 school year before the full $17K-plus bill is all mine to bear. I’d appreciate your continued prayers about that.
Rob is a freshman in High School. He’ll turn 15 in a couple weeks. We almost look eye-to-eye! He’s played exceptionally (if I do say so, myself) on the JV soccer team–a fall sport in our community–and seems to be up to the challenge and rigors of 9th grade. Baseball, his other favorite sport is just beginning.
He had the chance to go to Peru again this summer with Focus on the Family’s Brio Mission trip. Some of you may be hearing from him as he’s preparing his support-raising letter. This is the same group he went with last year. Overall, it was another tremendously successful trip–over 7,000 people became Christians!
Ben is in 8th grade. He’ll be 14 in June, and is waiting eagerly for a growth spurt to catch up with his brother. He’s taken an interest in soccer, too. He played on the Jr. High team this year and has his first spring league game today.
He’s now at the rank of First Class in the Boys Scouts and was just elected leader for his patrol. Last summer he completed all the requirements necessary to earn the rank while attending camp in Idaho. On his way back he and his troop had the opportunity to spend a day and a half in Yellowstone National Park. Definitely a memorable summer.
Maggie’s in 3rd grade now. Her summer was spent learning how to sew. One of our good friends offered to have Maggie and another girl join her as she taught her own daughter some basic sewing techniques. Maggie completed a pair of pajamas and a skort! Guess what she got for her birthday? That’s right, a sewing machine!
Jack is enjoying life as a 1st grader which means he gets to be at school for the full day. Earlier in the year I asked him what he likes about being at school for a full day. His answer: “More recesses.”
I can’t believe he’s seven years old.
I’ll try not to ramble. Thanks, again, for your prayers. My life is full. I’m thankful for each day. I miss Lee. We all do.
Rob